I'm Not!
by BiteMeTechie
Summary: Cadman tries to convince herself that she's not falling for McKay...and fails miserably. McKadman. Winner of two Isis Awards. REVISED!
1. I Am Not!

_Revision A/N:_ _As part of my New Year's Resolution, I've decided to get off my ass and revise/rewrite/repost all my favorite fics that are in desperate need of some polish because ff dot net has deleted more of my scene breaks and em dashes that I can count, damn it. I'll be uploading at **least** one chapter a day until I'm all through. This includes my current WIPs, so if you've been waiting for me to get to work on something specific, it'll probably happen during the revision process. Hooray!_

_This story was heavily inspired by Porthos1013's McKadman stories, especially the superb "Something's Come Up." and won first place for "Best Fluff/Romance" and second place "Best Humor" in the Isis Awards of 2006. Originally written in June, 2006. Revised, January, 2012 holycrapsixyearswhat._

* * *

I'm not in love with him. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not.

Just because I can't stop looking at him doesn't mean I'm in love with him. I mean, I _was_ inside his head. Only natural to want to look at the _outside._ You know, just for a change of pace.

Maybe if I stopped tapping my pencil so hard on the conference table he'd stop staring at me like I'm some sort of lunatic.

Shit! Broke it in half.

Idiot. Complete and total idiot. That's what _you_ are. Completely spastic idiot.

Great, now Weir is giving me funny looks.

Okay, pick up the pieces. Shove them in your pocket. Apologize. Make stupid joke out of it. That's it.

Nice recovery, Cadman.

See? You're fine! You're really fine! Just...

Wow, his eyes are blue. I mean really, really-

No.

Stop thinking about the color of his eyes. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. They are _not_ the color of the ocean. (And even if they are, you _don't_ care!) Stop thinking that way.

Coffee! Coffee's here. Good. Maybe that'll take my mind off-

Napkin. I need a napkin. When did I become so accident prone? I've never spilled coffee down my front _before_...

God, I wish he'd quit glancing up at me that way. Geez, you'd think I just sprouted a second head or something! Why would he-

Oh..right. Covered in coffee. Forgot that fact momentarily. Brain not functioning on all eight cylinders this morning.

I'm just jumpy about the mission. That's right, the mission. That's why I'm so antsy. Yeah! Perfectly plausible excuse- er...explanation. That one. Explanation.

_Yeah, right. Mission. Keep lying to yourself, uh huh._

Shut up conscience, no one asked for your input.

You're fine. You're fine. You aren't falling in love with Rodney. You're not.

Damn it. When did he become _Rodney_ and not McKay?

Damn it. Damn it. Damn it.

Not in love with Rodney. In love with Carson.

Yes, that's a good direction to take this current train of thought.

Carson. Carson the Doctor. Carson the caring, wonderful, kind-

Not like Rodney. Rodney's snarky and self centered and egotistical and, and, and-

_Wonderful?_

I did **not **just think that about Rodney. No. No. No.

Damn it. I meant McKay. Not Rodney. McKay. McKay. McKay. McK-

Laura McKay...I like the sound of that.

Wait.

Back up.

Where did _that_ come from?

Must have a fever. Or a tumor. Should probably go to the infirmary after the briefing. Yes. Infirmary. Excellent idea. Beckett will be there. Right. Beckett.

Beckett. Beckett. Beckett.

Laura Beckett.

Hm.

Doesn't have that same ring to it.

Maybe I'll just keep my name.

Wait. Did someone just ask me a question? I wasn't paying attention.

Yes. Sheppard asked. What did he ask?

Never mind. Interrupted. _Thank you, Doctor Zelenka._

Have to pay closer attention now. Can't zone out and miss something really important.

Gotta stop dwelling on Rodney

_McKay..._

Isn't that what I said?

P3X-Z529. Uninhabited. Interesting plant life. Routine mission.

Shouldn't have put so much sugar in my coffee. Starting to feel a bit sticky.

Uncomfortable and sticky.

Oh good. Meeting dismissed. Now to bolt-

Weir wants to talk to me? Why? Oh...she's concerned.

Scramble for answers. Thinking processes speed up quite a bit under pressure.

It's got nothing to do with the fact Rodney left the room. Nope. Nope. Nope. No connection between the two whatsoever! His proximity to me has nothing to do with how fast or slow my brain works.

The idea that it would is laughable. Utterly...completely...

I'm Dismissed? Good. Time for a clean uniform.

Cold shower might be a good idea too.

Then the infirmary. Yes. Must have Beckett look me over. Check for alien diseases that would be causing these sorts of-

Stop walking in mid-stride. Gears in head grind to a halt. Stare.

Rodney McKay is standing outside my quarters.


	2. Well, Maybe a Little?

Okay. Rodney is outside my quarters. What to do, what to do...

Blink rapidly. Must be sicker than I thought. Having hallucinations. Yes. That's the ticket, hallucinations! I bet it's a tumor after all.

Wait. If he was a hallucination he wouldn't look quite that way. No. He'd be-

_DON'T YOU **DARE** COMPLETE THAT SENTENCE!_

Never mind. Let's not go down that road. Most definitely the wrong time to go down _that_ road.

Weigh options. Not many open considering courage has run for hills, tail tucked between its legs. Spine seems to have disappeared as well.

Plan on hasty retreat. Legs refuse to cooperate. He's spotted me.

_Crap._

Slip into outwardly cool attitude. Ignore butterflies having wild rave in stomach. Greet him like perfectly normal, sane person.

He's talking. What's he going on about? Oh. The mission. Yes. Hm.

This uniform is really starting to get uncomfortable.

You know, I'm starting to think that whole being inside Rodney's head thing has changed me. My mind didn't used to change tracks quite this often.

I really have to take a shower. Maybe he'd like to join-

He's looking at me like I'm nuts. "What did you say?"

Oh, damn. What _did_ I just say?

Oh no, no, no, no, no. I didn't mean to say that out loud.

Treacherous mouth. Moving before my brain has the chance to suggest otherwise!

Stall! Cough a few times, make it seem like you didn't get to finish that particular sentence. Yes! Good! He's buying it!

Thumping me on the back with his hand, obviously thinking I'm choking to death, but buying it!

Coughing fit ceases. He's stopped walloping me on the back. Ouch. Gonna have bruises there later. Who knew scientists could be so strong? I mean-

"Now, what were you saying?"

Stall for time, stall for time, stall for-

"I was saying that I really need to take a shower-"

Quick! Think! Figure out a way to-

Ah ha!

"Maybe you'd like to join me-"

Pause for half a second.

_Was that flirting?_

He's turned the most beautiful shade of green.

"-in the mess afterwards? I mean, so we can talk about the _mission_?"

Hold in maniacal giggle as he sputters momentarily.

Wow. He recovered faster than I thought he would. Faster than _I_ would, at any rate.

Did he just agree? He agreed!

Yes! And Cadman saves the game in the- well, if I really knew any sports analogies that fit this particular situation, I'd put one here.

Put off victory dance until he's out of sight.

Wait. He agreed.

He's walking away.

He's got an interesting walk. He kinda-

Whoa.

Wait.

Hold it right there.

Brain catches up with current situation.

Blink. Once. Twice. Three times.

Did I just indirectly ask him to lunch?


	3. No, Most Definitely Not

Wow. The mess hall's crowded. It's already almost noon. Where did the morning go?

Foot tapping impatiently of its own accord. Mission launches in a couple of hours. Where _is_ he?

A hand on my shoulder. Jump six inches in the air. Can't be healthy for my heart to be beating that hard against my rib cage. Feel like a character in a Tex Avery cartoon.

It's Lieutenant April. Wants to know if I'll be at her quarters for All Girl Poker Night tonight.

Sure. If I survive that long. I'll be there with bells on.

There's Rodney, walking into the mess, notebook in hand, scribbling furiously.

Stop that. Not Rodney. McKay. Got that? M-C-K-A-Y!

Stop staring. Stop staring. Stop Staring.

April looks from me to McKay, and back again and suddenly looks like the cat that got the canary. Gonna slap that stupid grin right off her face. A knowing nod and a whispered goodbye-

"Well. I'll see _you_ later."

And she's gone.

And McKay's here.

Stare at water glass. Just stare at it. _Always wondered what those little floaty things in it are._ Eye contact with object of affection-

_Affection?_

-may cause serious trouble. Like lack of coherent thought.

_A little late to worry about that, isn't it?_

Damn it! I thought we established that I wasn't falling in love with him!

_We established no such thing._

Shut up, you. Don't want your opinion.

Talking to voices in my head. Bad, _bad_ sign.

Going crazy. Yes, that's what it is. Must be. Am bundle of nerves over Rodney McKay. Must be going mad.

What's he saying? Oh. Yes. Plant life on planet. Very interesting. Uh huh.

Did he just say explosives? That _is _my department. Might be a good time to look up at him, try and join conversation.

Suddenly light headed for no apparent reason.

Oh. Have stopped breathing. That explains it. Must try to resume. Breathing. Yes. A most necessary practice.

You know, breathing? That in and out thing you've been doing for the past twenty some odd years? Yes. That. Let's try some of that.

In. Out. In. Out.

_They really are the color of the ocean._

In. Out. In. Out.

Don't remember breathing being quite so hard back on earth. Must be thinner atmosphere on Atlantis. Or…something...not very good with science. Better with explosives.

Wrack brain for Star Trek science trivia. Wasn't there thinner atmosphere on Vulcan? Made it hard for Kirk to breathe? Wasn't that the one with the Pon Farr? Yes. Ye-

Wonder if that's what's wrong with me. Must check with Carson. See if fictional sci-fi television diseases are-

Hm. Seem to be very clumsy today. Second uniform this morning to get wet.

Once again, very sticky and uncomfortable. Must take another shower. A cold one.

Drop uniform in laundry as well. Maybe just climb in shower while still _in_ uniform.

Didn't that happen on- What was that one episode? _The Naked Time_...yes...I liked that one.

Whoa. Naked. Not a word to think of right now. No. No. No.

I've seen him naked...

I tried not to look. Honest!

_Uh huh...riiiight. _

Am I feeling all right? Did he just ask that? Yes. Yes. I'm feeling just dandy. Now quit staring at me with those-

Don't. Don't come up with an adjective for his eyes.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Get ahold of yourself. You weren't a mess over Beckett, why be a mess over McKay?

_You really want an answer to that?_

No. A resounding and emphatic no. I am not falling for him. How could I? I was only in his head for two days, I don't really _know_ him.

Know Carson much better. Have been getting to know Carson lately. He really is sweet, and loveable and-

Not infuriating or condescending or sarcastic like Rodney. No. Not the least bit like-

Oh. Time for lunch to end already? Mission launches in a bit. Should go get ready. Yes. Something to take the mind off Rodney. Good idea.

Right. Back to quarters. Quick uniform change. Now to the 'Gate Room.


	4. Okay, but Just a Bit

Lunch went all right.

Mission went better (at least, without major incident.)

Evening is, thus far, going badly.

All Girl Poker Night. It's a wonderful thing.

It's me, Brown, April and a new arrival named Claire Raustin.

Already learned all of Brown's tells, April's a little harder and Raustin's all over the map.

Did I mention all this girl talk is giving me a headache of epic proportions? Could really use a Tylenol right about now. Don't need to hear about their love lives, having enough trouble with my own, thank you.

Didn't used to feel that way. Used to_ enjoy_ the gossip. Now, just find it insipid and insufferable.

"How 'bout you Laura? How're things with Beckett?"

Shrug. Mumble unintelligibly. Raise bet to fifteen cents.

Not sure how things are going with Beckett. Not sure because I'm not sure about why I'm drooling all over Rodney suddenly. Still trying to rule out possibilities of insanity and/or alien influence.

Not going as well as I'd hoped.

Pon Farr is seriously looking like a logical possibility right now.

"Not in the mood to share, huh?" April smirks.

Glare fiercely. She smirks some more. Glare more fiercely. Get smirked at even _more_.

My turn to deal. Focus on the cards. Shuffle. Cut. Shuffle. Deal.

Backs of cards are a very familiar shade of blue. Can't place where I've seen it recently though.

"Hey, Kate, how're things going between you and McKay?"

Head snaps up. Shoulders go rigid. Nearly fall off chair.

_Gaaaaaaaah!_

That, my friends was the sound of a brain switching tracks at eight hundred miles per hour.

"Oh. Well. Okay I guess. I mean, we've done dinner a couple of times."

Force down feelings of insane jealousy.

"And he's asked me again on Friday."

Have sudden, irrational desire to tear Brown's head from her shoulders.

Consider this as serious possible course of action for several seconds.

Decide against it. Figure it would be too messy. Too many witnesses. Will consider doing it at a later date.

"That's great," April says, looking at me pointedly. Never understood what it meant to be looked at 'pointedly' until just now.

Suddenly realize jig is up. April's onto me.

_Great._

She's doing a dead on impression of the Cheshire Cat reincarnated. Grinning at me like she knows somethin' I don't.

And I think she _does_.

Time to go. Must throw game. Room has become unbelievably stuffy within past few seconds. Seems the climate controls are off too. Wonder why no one else has mentioned it.

If she doesn't quit it with that toothy grin, I'm gonna knock her off her chair.

Tug at shirt collar. Way too hot in here. Sip soda. Turned down beer. Wouldn't do to lose what little faculties I have left and go blathering every thought that crosses my mind.

Not that I haven't done that already today. I just want to avoid a repeat performance.

Ten 'o clock. Time to go.

Pleasant goodbyes all around, promises to get together next week are made. Trying to be civil and ignore urge to tackle Brown and tear out her hair.

_Would that have something to do with the fact you had a hand in getting the two of them together?_

Shut up.

Hindsight, twenty-twenty, and all like that.

Retreat into quarters. Lean against door. Shut eyes. Try to relax.

Breathe deeply. Bigger mission tomorrow. Should go to bed right away.

Still kinda smells like Rodney, actually. Not that I noticed or anything.

_Oh. Sure. Mhm._

So. Bed. Not such a good idea.

Sudden knock at the door. Stifle small scream of surprise. Spin on heel, almost topple over and open door.

It's April.

_Naturally._

Wants to know the scoop on me and McKay.

Play dumb. I'm blonde. I _should,_ in theory, be good at it.

Not working. Still wants to know.

Spill guts.


	5. No, No, No, No!

Another morning briefing. Have abandoned pencils and coffee altogether this morning, just to be safe. Instead, have decided to chew on a pen cap while listening to Sheppard.

Actually managing to pay some attention this morning. Has nothing to do with the absence of Rodney.

_Given up on trying to call him 'McKay' already?_

I meant McKay. Yes. Yes. That's what I meant. McKay. McKay McKay.

Am currently taking notes in my little briefing folder.

Always wondered why they bothered to give us these things. They just tell us the same stuff we hear from our superior officers. We never take them with us. It's not like we ever go out in the field and when under fire go 'Whatever shall I do? I think I left my briefs at home!'

Oops. Involuntary giggle at last thought. Turn it into a small cough. Am being looked by general room occupants like I'm a mental patient. Wondering why am not yet in custody for strange, suspicious behavior.

Oh. Carson's here. Rodney enters behind him. Never noticed the height difference till just now.

Stomach lurches at the sight of them. Suddenly feel like awkward teenager again. Remember first crush on Samuel Bradford in high school. Stomach made same uncomfortable lurch at the sight of _him_ as well.

Suddenly make connection between high school crush and current infatuation.

_Yes! Infatuation! That's the right word! Can't be love. Must be infatuation like with Samuel-_

Samuel. Hm. Smart, snarky, egotistical.

_Nope. No pattern there. None at all._

Inner voice has started to sound suspiciously like Rodney. When did that happen?

Shut up, inner Rodney.

Carson's smiling at me as he sits down. Stop chewing on pen for a second. Force lips into moving. Smile back weakly.

Beckett. Beckett. Beckett.

Laura Beckett. No. Doesn't sound any better today than it did yesterday.

Laura McKay still sounds _better_.

Have somehow managed to begin doodling little hearts and things in the margins of my briefing folder without realizing it.

Decide to burn folder and contents to avoid discovery. Ponder momentarily who wrote LC plus RM in my handwriting along the left side of puddle jumper schematic.

_Just like high school._

Samuel.

His eyes were brown. Not blue like Rodney's.

_McKay..._

No. No. No. Think of Samuel's eyes. Not Rodney's. Remember Samuel's? They were brown a very pretty, deep-

Not blue.

Not the color of a storm tossed sea.

Wait. What? I don't make comparisons like that. Where did that Romance novel drivel just come from?

You're fine. Honestly, you are. You aren't falling for McKay. Really. Probably something you ate.

Yes. That seems likely. The alien not-quite-potato things I had for breakfast. Those are the culprits! Not butterflies making my stomach feel like a washing machine on spin. Alien not-quite-potato-things are to blame. Yes. Yes.

Must get ahold of myself. Am being asked question about demolitions material the Voldrani have. Slip into good little soldier mode. Answer question with as much vigor and intelligence as possible.

_And that ain't a whole hell of a lot, is it?_

Inner voice is in danger of being throttled for its irritating wit.

Rodney's talking. Suddenly unable to focus on anything other than him.

Wonder briefly where ingrained military discipline has disappeared to. Abandon current train of thought to listen to Rodney.

P3X-942. Small population. Called the Voldrani. Technology rivals Earth, with a few Ancient bits tossed in here and there for good measure. Possible alliance and trade. Must stay on these people's good side. Another routine mission.

Do his lips always move just like that? Boy, that's distracting.

Weir's talking now. The usual superior officer 'I'm in charge. Stay out of trouble. Be careful.' blah blah blah. Reminds me of my mother somehow.

If she gives us any more instructions, it'll be magic words.

_Klaatu Barada-_

Now is NOT the time.

Dismissed. Break for the door. Amazingly have managed to avoid getting uniform wet this morning.

Whoops. Spoke too soon.

Have collided with Carson on the way out. Or more importantly, collided with Carson's coffee cup.

What's he asking?

Oh. There goes Rodney. Talking with Weir. Walking right past me. Not paying any-

"What? I'm fine Carson."

Try to convince Carson I am not acting the least bit strange.

Not succeeding.

Wants me to come in for a few tests. Is worried about how jumpy I am. Is wondering if recent McKay ordeal has affected me more than I let on.

Laugh as if his suggestion is completely absurd, but agree to the tests anyway.

_After_ the mission.


	6. Possibly

Just F.Y.I, bullet wounds suck.

I ought to know. Am nursing one at the moment.

My left shoulder. Ugh.

_'Tis only a flesh wound._

Voldran seemed like a nice planet. Very lush and green. Lots of exotic looking plants everywhere. Really pretty, actually. Reminds me of northern Vancouver a little bit.

Nice climate. Started to rain heavily shortly after we arrived though.

I don't like the rain. Makes everything muddy and yuck.

The Voldrani seemed like a nice people. Teyla's had dealings with them in the past and assured us they were a peaceful people.

Harmless.

_Of course, that's what she said about the Genii too, isn't it? _

No. No. No. Mustn't blame Teyla for current situation. Not her fault.

They asked us to stay for dinner. Actually managed to make Alien not-quite-potato-things taste relatively good.

Rain started getting really bad. Hurricane-like conditions. Voldrani suddenly went bonkers. Not sure why.

Ow. Shoulder really is starting to throb. Should probably pick up pace towards 'Gate. Under orders to get to the 'Gate. Gotta get help from-

Shot rings out. Bullet is suddenly lodged in back. Ouch. Damn. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

Slip. Fall. Ground rising up to meet face. Land in mud.

Splash.

**Thud.**

Oof.

_Well. There goes **another**_ _uniform._

Did I tell you how much Bullet wounds **suck**?

They hurt like hell too. Did you know?

Well, they do. Ouch. Damn, they do.

Plan to scramble up off ground. Realize this is harder then originally anticipated. Especially while bleeding profusely.

First time in days lightheaded feeling has nothing to do with Rodney.

Decide McKay induced lightheaded feeling is preferable to this, directly before losing consciousness.


	7. I'm Really Not, You Know

YOWCH!

Bolt awake. Someone's poking me in the back. Or, to be more precise, in the wound _on_ my back.

"Would you stop wriggling?"

OW!

"Hold still!"

Squeak and sit up suddenly. Take in surroundings. Dark, cold, wet cave. How-

McKay. Sitting there in the shadows right across from me. Flashlight in his lap. Bandaging in hand. Averting his eyes and slightly blushing.

Wait, why is he averting-

Brain is suddenly capable of putting two and two together. He was treating my injuries therefore-

Look down at self. Am not wearing top. Bra is torn to shreds from bullets. Scream indignantly. Chuck nearest pebble at Rodney's head while scrambling for clothing.

_**THUNK!**_

Oops.

_Nice going. You just konked Atlantis' head physicist in the head. _

Well, I did say 'Oops', didn't I?

_What if you did permanent damage?_

Well, if that glaring is any indication, he's fully recovered.

If looks could kill, am relatively sure I would be a smoldering pile of ash right about now.

_He's angry._

Yes. Thank you, inner Rodney. What this imaginary conversation really needs is a Captain Obvious.

Great.

He's pissed.

_**And** nursing a bump to the head..._

Now would be a good time for the ground to swallow me up.

Yup. Anytime now. Anytime would be good.

Oh, he's _really_ mad. Really. Really-

Kinda cute when he's irritated...should irritate him more often just to see that cute little vein on his forehead pop up and throb.

He's snarking at me now. Snark back fiercely. Defend the fact that I was well within my rights to chuck a rock at his head. After all, he's the one who was touching me while I had my shirt off and was unconscious.

_Like you mind._

I was unconscious!

_Well. I never said it was a perfect scenario._

Spend next five minutes bickering like-

_An old married couple?_

-two year olds.

Hear far off sound. Head snaps up. Tell both inner and outer Rodneys to shut up. Reach for flashlight, flip it off. Strain ears.

It's a group of Voldrani, gathering outside, screaming at each other about two escaped off-worlders who are missing.

Can barely see anything in the cave now that the flashlight is off. I can only see Rodney's eyes.

Heart is thudding at unhealthy pace inside chest. Adrenaline is pumping at an insane rate. Heart attack cannot be far off. Fight or flight. Fight or-

How could they miss seeing the mouth of the cave?

It's near the ground and has been covered by various bits of shrubbery for camouflage.

Have sudden swelling of respect for Rodney's ingenuity and craftiness. Remind self to kiss him for this-

_You mean you need a reason?_

-later.

Wait in silence for danger to pass. Breathing hard. Throat is uncomfortably dry while rest of self is uncomfortably wet.

Hyperventilating a little bit.

Look at Rodney. I'm not the only one. His eyes are doing that panicked, deer in the headlights-

God. Is there any expression the man has that I don't find endearing?

No. No. No. Now is most definitely not the time. You can admire him later, when the life threatening danger has passed.

A few more minutes of listening to the Voldrani, and then they're gone. Now we can breathe a huge sigh of relief. Or rather, I can.

Rodney's seriously hyperventilating. Possibly on the verge of passing out. Need a-

Turkey sandwich! I had half a turkey sandwich in a paper bag in my vest.

Flip flashlight back on, accidentally blind self with it temporarily. Recover eyesight. Crawl around searching for vest. Ah ha!

Dump turkey sandwich out of bag, crawl over to Rodney, hold bag up to his face.

Am I coaching him on how to breathe?

Must be. He's giving me that, 'Gee, I've been doing it for how long, I really need you to tell me how' look.

Trying to avoid thinking about just how adorable I think the aforementioned annoyed look is.

Shutting up now.

Great. He's recovered. Also has decided that we need to stop bickering and focus on how to get to the Stargate, and then get our team out of harms way.

"But first you have to let me-"

Brain goes many places it shouldn't. Gutter included. _Bad brain, bad!_

"Finish dressing those injuries."

Make a face and insist that I'm fine. I can make it to the 'Gate without any treatment.

Am looked at skeptically and snarkily challenged to move more the three feet.

I Try.

I Fail.

I grumble and concede defeat. I turn my back to Rodney and wait for bandaging to be completed.

_Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow._

Wince. Groan. Yelp.

Wonder why Madonna's 'Like A Virgin' is suddenly running through my head.

"OUCH!"

Torso is now completely bandaged up. Feel like Claude Rains long lost sister.

Gingerly slip into what's left of uniform top. Grumble, mutter and swear through entire ordeal.

All right. Now we just gotta come up with a plan-

_He _has.

"I've got it. A brilliant beyond brilliant idea."

Inner Rodney does happy-happy-joy-joy dance.


	8. Okay, So Maybe

Hm. That's strange. I'm no longer wet, cold and miserable. Pain in the back, shoulder and abdomen has subsided quite a bit. Wonder how that happened. Still dark though-

Oh. Wait. Eyes are closed. That explains it. Duh. Okay, so open 'em.

Hey, I'm in the infirmary. I'm back on Atlantis? How? The last thing I remember was launching Rodney's 'Brilliant, beyond brilliant fool proof plan' and managing to get shot by one of the Voldrani.

Again.

Getting shot and ruining uniforms repeatedly seems to be my latest hobby.

Maybe I should take up knitting as an alternative. Nowhere near as humiliating or dangerous.

Oh well. Either way, I'm back home-

_You mean Atlantis, not home. **Earth** is home._

Hey, home is where you make it.

_You mean home is wherever **he** is, don't you?_

I'm not about to argue with a voice in my head.

_Because you know I'm right._

No, because arguing with little voices inside my head is totally insane.

I'm really not in love with him. I can't be. I barely know the man!

Of course, I've been in his head. I know him better than I'd like to admit.

Why am I suddenly thinking so clearly? What happened to all that nervous energy?

Arm has IV sticking into it. Ah. Heavily sedated and/or on pain medication. That certainly explains a lot.

Oh. Yes. Well. Back to the topic at hand.

Rodney's plan must've worked, since I'm obviously not dead and I'm back on Atlantis. I've also spotted a member of the team, who had been captured off to one side of me.

So either the plan worked, or I'm in the middle of the world's most convincing hallucination.

Sheppard's in the corner, talking with Carson in low tones. They're looking rather serious. Not used to such seriousness on Sheppard's face. Makes me uneasy.

Try to sit up-

Oh! Whoa. The room is kinda spinning a little bit. Wow.

Okay. More than a little bit. Must've lost more blood than I thought. Feel slightly nausious from sitting up too fast. Flop back down on bed.

Groan.

Is it possible for one to pull Gs while stationary in a hospital bed?

Carson's suddenly rushed to my side and is checking me over, reassuring me that I'll be fine and-

Suddenly feel very guilty for thinking of Rodney the way I have been for the last few days-

_Weeks..._

When I have Carson. Really should pick one or the other. These feelings are getting painfully confusing.

Really must consider sorting things out, figuring out what I want and-

I'll worry about it when I'm not quite so drowsy. Yes. When I'm-

Yawn.

Nap time, I think. Will figure out mess that is Laura Cadman's love life after a little nap.

* * *

Consious again. Less groggy than before. More alert and slightly more mobile.

Not alone, either. Leiutenent April's here.

Well, that's nice. I've only known her for a month and a half or so and here she is, standing at the foot of my hospital bed. Come to offer me moral support, to lift my spirits, to-

"Wow, Laura. You look like hell."

Okay. Maybe not.

Thank her snarkily for her obvious show of support. She just chuckles while she glances toward Carson and asks for an update.

Hey. That look on her face while she's lookin' at him. Where have I seen that before? That look is _awfully_ familiar.

Apparently I lost quite a bit of blood, but luckily, the bullets didn't cause any real damage. Somehow managed to miss all my vital-

Am only mildly aware of what Carson's saying as Rodney enters.

Dynamic suddenly changes. Not entirely sure what happened while I was out cold but something's off between them.

Rodney's talking to Carson, and now April's talking to me.

Really do need to start calling her by her first name. If only I could remember what it is...

Jamie. That's it. That's her-

She looks a little distracted. She's staring at-

Eyes get big as gears in head begin working full speed.

_She's looking at Carson the way you look at Rodney!_

Whole world seems to be turned on its head, but everything seems to make some kind of sick sense.

She knew you were in love with Rodney, because she's in love with _Carson_.

Should have seen this coming, should have seen the signs, should have known this-

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Am still dating Carson technically. This could prove to be a problem for everyone involved.

Shoot.


	9. I'm Running Out of Ways to Deny it

Argument- (arg-yoo-ment), _n._ **1. **A discussion involving differing points of view; Debate. **2. **Disagreement; Verbal opposition; Contention; Altercation

Laura McKay's-

_Cadman, you idiot, Cadman, haven't made it to the altar yet._

Okay. Right. Right. Laura CADMAN's definition-

Argument-(arg-yoo-ment) _n._ **1. **A discussion involving two seemingly intelligent adults bickering like children **2. **The only thing I've been doing with Rodney for the past two weeks since I've been out of the infirmary.

Am currently in one of Atlantis' many labs, arguing with Rodney heatedly about anything and everything. Have been assigned to him today by Weir, and can only think of it as an attempt at a huge cosmic joke on her part.

I don't find it funny.

"It's not that I can't make it work, _you_ must be doing something!"

"Oh yeah, _right_! If you're such a genius, why can't you figure it out regardless of my participation?"

He's condescending to me again. Can't get a word in edgewise with him yammering on and on and on about how stupid I'm being.

"What do you want me to do, say 'Klaatu Barada Necktie' and hope it'll just _go_?"

Am momentarily stunned by _Army Of Darkness_ reference he's inadvertantly made. Find this to be intriuging, and make a point of reminding myself to talk to him about it later.

_After he's done being so infuriating, you mean._

Yes. After.

Can't think straight with him in such close proximity and talking at me the way he is.

Am seriously considering konking him in the head again because he's so infuriating, irritating, sarcastic and, and, and-

_Cute?_

I didn't ask you!

Must figure out a way to clear my head. Have to think about how to deal with Carson. Asked him to meet me tomorrow night, said we need to talk.

Am dreading conversation with Carson.

"No, no, no! You have to connect these two and then-"

Shouting in Rodney's face now. Snarking at him just as fiercely as he's snarking at me. Am more tightly wound than a violin's string.

He's glaring.

I'm yelling.

He's insulting.

Gah! Can't think with ocean blue eyes glaring at me, and snarking at me and-

Am seeing red. He's insulting me again. Insult him back. Quarrel, squabble, argue-

Arg!

Can't come up with goodcome backs if I can't think!

If he'd only shut up long enough for me to think!

Body reacts before brain can protest.

Have grabbed him by the collar and crushed Rodney's lips to my own. World has tilted on its axis.

Mind has just enough time to register the fact that I now understand why people who're viciously fighting on soap operas often end up making out.

Not because fighting's a turn on, but just to get the other debate participant to _shut the hell up_!

He's standing still.

And is clearly stunned.

And I've stopped breathing.

Logic has been shut off, emotions have taken over.

Eyes have fluttered closed and heart has fluttered open. Arms are wrapping around his neck without provocation. Feels like the most natural thing in the world.

Lungs are protesting lack of oxygen. Ignore them.

Heart is pumping blood so hard I can hear it rushing in my ears.

His arms are snaking around my back and-

Wait.

Whoa.

He's kissing me back?

_He's kissing you. He's kissing you. He's kissing you!_

He's kissing me!

Heart is soaring before-

He's WHAT?

Higher brain functions suddenly overcome pleasant, tingly feelings in my toes. Jump back as though scalded. Gasp desperatly for air.

_You kissed him. You kissed him. You kissed him. _

I kissed him!

He kissed me back!

Toes are still tingling. Face feels hot. Silence for several seconds.

His eyes look a bit unfocused. Mine _feel_ unfocused.

Am suddenly overcome with intense feelings of embarassment and stupidity.

_You idiot! You kissed him! Quick! Make up an explanation or-_

Can't seem to speak coherently.

_Run._

Neither can he.

_Run._

He's fumbling for words now, about to say something that will most likely crush my still open heart.

Must protect self while still feeling so vulnerable.

_Run. RUN!_

Turn eight shades of red, mutter apology and FLEE!


	10. I Am

Kissed Rodney yesterday. Was assured that I don't have a tumor this morning. Have been doing everything possible to avoid seeing Rodney and/or Beckett since.

_You mean McKay and Carson._

Right. Right. Yes. McKay and Carson. Isn't that what I said?

_No._

Am currently huge mess of weird, conflicting emotions.

On the one hand, still have feelings for Beck- Carson, and do not want to hurt him.

On the other hand, have new, uncomfortable, more intense feelings for Rodney.

_McKay..._

On third hand, I now know that April has feelings for Carson. Slightly disturbed that this new information doesn't bother me in the least. Was expecting fit of jealousy of Shakespearian proportions.

On fourth hand, am gleeful because Brown has dropped Rodney like a hot alien-not-potato-thing. Leaving his schedule wiiiiiiide open for a certain tap dancing Marine explosives expert to work with.

On yet another hand, am slightly pissed because she did dump him. Is he not _good_ enough for her?

Humph. The very idea.

Did I mention I can't seem to stop thinking about that kiss?

Because I can't. I really, really can't.

Believe me, I've been trying. Hence why I'm avoiding Rodney like-

Hm.

Have been trying to avoid Sheppard as well.

Have not been succeeding.

_What do you expect? He's your commanding officer, dummy._

Hey now. Name calling is uncalled for.

Sheppard knows that something's up. Has been looking from Rodney to me and back again with something akin to clarity in his eyes since we got back from Voldran.

Am afraid Sheppard is doing the math and two and two are equaling-

_Rodney/Cadman sexytime?_

-four.

If discovered, will consider killing Sheppard a necessary sacrifice to keep current secret under wraps.

Although-

Tap finger thoughtfully on chin. Zelenka keeps giving me funny looks as well. And Kavanagh. And Raustin.

Wonder if killing half of Atlantis senior staff is an option. Decide that, no, it's not.

Damn. Damn. Da-

Knock at the door. Great, now what?

It's April. Again. Probably wants to come in and talk about upcoming girls night and-

"Do you love Carson?"

Well, that came out of left field and hit me in the face.

"Wha huh?"

"I said, do you-"

Block out rest of sentence as brain makes several leaps that even a gymnast couldn't follow.

"Do you love Carson?"

Wait.

No.

Stop.

Back up.

Not ready to answer that question yet.

But it's already out there.

Do I love him?

Do I love Carson Beckett?

Yes.

Yes, I love him. But not the way I-

_Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. If you keep denying it, maybe it'll go away._

No. Have established it's not going anywhere.

Realization _finally_ hits.

I _am_ in love with him. Mentally slap self for unbelievable cranial thickness.

"Shit."

* * *

_An old A/N too good to delete: _A note to all my beautiful, wonderful, beloved reviewers-

You all make me feel like a million bucks, really you do. I've never gotten such awesome notes before, and it makes me squee uncontrollably that I'm making you guys laugh. (I hold making people laugh in the highest regard, and when I can do it I feel like I've just eaten a million bars of chocolate!) I get a warm fuzzy feeling every time I look at my reviews page.

Oh. Wait. I'm under a heating vent. Well, that's good too.

But really: SGA fans are the best fans in the world for reading and reviewing. Thanks, guys.


	11. Does He?

Carson's looking at me like I just kicked a kitten right in front of him.

I just told him that I can't see him anymore.

I've tried to avoid telling him why I can't.

_I think he knows..._

"I just...it's not fair to you that I-"

I can't stand that look of agony he's giving me. My heart is breaking inside my chest. I've never seen anyone ever look quite so fragile and it's killing me that _I_ caused this.

It's hard to breathe it hurts so much.

I didn't want to hurt him, but I have.

"I'm sorry, Carson. I think I'm-"

Gulp. Oxygen has become a precious commodity that I just don't seem to have access to right now.

"I think I'm in love with someone else."

Thought I would be prepared for that fresh wave of grief that's washed over his face.

I wasn't.

_Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't-_

Too late.

A tear has inexplicably rolled down my cheek and he's wiping it away with a gentle hand.

Now it hurts even more. Feels like a semi-truck has parked squarely on my chest. He's being understanding. Damn him.

_Why? After what I just said to him, why is **he** comforting_ _**me**?_

Because that's his nature. He's a doctor, not a self absorbed phyicist, his caring nature is what defines him. Because-

_Because he loves you._

Why couldn't I have loved him back?

Why couldn't I have chosen him over Rodney?

Why did I have to fall for that egotistical prick who might reject me, and not the wonderful, loving, sensitive man in front of me who already loves me?

_No one ever said love was fair. _

I promise myself I'm not going to cry.

He asks me who it is.

Well, that promise just flew right out the window.

"It's- It's- It's-"

Suddenly seem to have lost the ability to complete a coherent sentence.

Take a gasping breath. Steady nerves.

"It's Rodney."

Okay. I didn't know that guilt felt quite so heavy. Semi-truck-ish weight on chest has just increased ten fold.

I'm sort of blubbering now, apologizing over and over again, trying to explain, hoping that something I can say will make him stop looking at me with those sad eyes.

I know it won't, but damn it, I'm gonna try.

He's comforting me again. I feel like slapping him for it.

"God damn it, Carson! Stop being so supportive! You're supposed to be pissed! You're supposed to shout and rail at me, _something_! Not hold my hand and show concern for me!"

_**That** I could have handled._

He's not mad. Why the _hell_ isn't he mad? If I were him I'd be so angry my head would explode in a shower of sparks!

He says he understands. Says that he sort of suspected this sort of thing might happen after the bond that Rodney and I shared because of the Dart.

"Does he love _you_?"

Blubbering stops suddenly. Didn't consider this question coming up in this situation.

"I...I...I..."

Carson looks at me more seriously than he ever has before. Says that if Rodney _ever_ hurts me he'll-

There's a knock at the door.

_Oh, perfect._

Carson's squeezed my hand and gone to answer the door.

Insides are squirming uncomfortably.

It's Rodney.

_Oh, wonderful! Marvelous! _

Asking for me.

_FAN-FREAKING-TASTIC!_

Feel very ill all of the sudden.

Am out of sight of the door, but not out of earshot.

Apparently Carson's not mad...at _me. _**BUT-**

Rodney is a different story.

Hear sickening crack of bone on bone.

Carson exits quarters. Rodney enters quarters.

With a broken nose.


	12. He Does!

I'm leaving Atlantis on the Daedelus today.

Really bummed about it, but I'm 'non-essential' personnel, and therefore have to be put on regular rotation.

I'm packing right now. Really not wanting to leave.

Not liking the idea of returning to Earth. Already sick with the idea of having to leave Rodney.

_McK-_

Shut up, you. We're dating. I can call him whatever I want.

Yes. That's right. _Dating._

Can hardly believe it myself. Especially considering the rocky start we got.

After 'The Kiss' and 'The Nose Breaking', we didn't talk to each other for about a week and a half. Both obviously too nervous or anxious for definitive action and since it's so much easier to run away from things like this, that's exactly what we did.

After a week or so of going completely nuts, what with not seeing _him_, I decided to pluck up my courage and go talk to him.

It had absolutely nothing to do with the prodding I got from Colonel Sheppard, insisting that if I didn't go work things out with Rodney and stop being so morose of my own free will, he'd carry me off and lock me in a room with McKay until I _did_.

Nope. Had nothing to do with that at all.

Things were strained for a while. I stopped consciously avoiding him. Actually tried a 'Good morning' in the corridor one day and he didn't look at me like he was going to throw up out of nervousness.

I took it as a sign and starting hanging around him a little bit more.

Okay. So maybe more than just a little. But when I sought him out in the mess hall to talk, I didn't hear him complaining.

That first, real conversation was the hardest.

Well, not the conversing so much as the getting up the nerve to converse with him. _That_? was hell.

April told me to keep things light, so I did.

I waited until he was distracted with some paperwork and his coffee.

Plopped down across from him at the table and asked a question that'd been bugging me for a while.

"So..._Army of Darkness_, huh?"

His head snapped up so fast I thought he could've broken his neck.

After his initial shock had worn off, he composed himself rather nicely.

We promptly got into an argument about the scientific inaccuracies of the time travel scenario in the movie. When I mentioned the fact that, yes, all right, so maybe it was less realistic than _Back to the Future_, he looked at me like he'd caught me shaving the family cat.

It was actually nice to hear him rail on for twenty minutes about the Grandfather paradox.

And so what if I was using the time to stare at his eyes and not listen to him? I'm only human. I really did try to listen, but there are parts of the man that I find really distracting.

Lips. Eyes. Nose.

Okay, so I find the whole enchilada terribly distracting. I admit it. Shut up.

After that, we started having lunch together. Not on purpose, of course.

I mean, we never asked each other or anything, it just became a routine.

We moved from time travel movies to space movies within a week.

"I'm telling you, a Winnebago, no matter how advanced in design, is NOT a viable option for space travel!"

_So adorable when he's irritated..._

It took another week to move from movies to TV.

And then another to move from TV to books.

A week after that to get to more personal things. Family, friends, future plans. Stuff like that.

We didn't go on an 'official' date for two months after 'The Kiss.'

I don't think that either of us were really ready for it before then anyway, so it worked out well.

And then last night we finally-

Yes. Well. Ahem. Never mind about last night.

Are the climate controls in here working properly? Felling kinda hot all of the sudden.

"Nice to see you have the good grace to blush about it."

It's April. She's entered without knocking. Here to help me pack.

So. It's been two months since our first official date, four since 'The Kiss', and six since the Wraith Dart incident.

Have decided that only six months with the man of my dreams isn't enough. Well, maybe not _dreams_.

"Relax. You'll be coming back."

April seems to have disconcerting habit of reading my mind. This could be dangerous.

Rest of packing goes by way too quickly. Would rather pack for eternity than actually go towards the awaiting Puddle Jumper.

Climb up on platform, look back at Atlantis. See several people saying goodbye to each other. Am being herded into the ship like stray sheep.

Wonder momentarily why Rodney hasn't come to say-

Rodney had a mission today. Told me he might not be back in time to say goodbye.

My heart's so heavy it's sunk into my socks.

Oh, there he is. Why's he running? Oh. That's right. Door is about to be closed.

"Wait! Stop! Laura!"

He's got a box in his hand. Wait. What? Huh?

He's breathing hard as he approaches me.

Realization hits like a ton of bricks.

Heart is about to-

"Will you-"

He's breathless.

"I mean, would you consider-"

Am also breathless suddenly.

"I mean I know I'm not-"

He looks at me strangely, like he's going to pass out.

"Marry me?"

Am suddenly looking at diamond engagement ring inside black velvet box.

Kneecaps seem to have disappeared. Look from box, to Rodney, to box again.

Faint.


	13. And So Do I

Very, very uncomfortably nervous. Am staring down makeshift aisle leading towards the Stargate. Loads of folding chairs on either side.

Teyla's got some sort of native instrument out and is playing it to accompany me down the aisle. Not the traditional Wedding March, but that wouldn't really seem right anyway, so instead it's a very pretty traditional Athosian song.

I'm being given away by Sheppard, since transporting my father to Atlantis is kinda out of the question.

Seems kinda fitting, anyway. After all, if it hadn't been for his prodding-

_You mean harassment?_

I might have never gotten up enough guts to talk to Rodney again.

I can forgive him the moment of ogling me when he came to pick me up at my quarters just because of this fact.

However, note to self: if I ever, _ever_ have a daughter, keep her as far away from Sheppard as humanly possible.

Dr. Weir has gotten a license so that she can officiate and is waiting directly in front of me with Rodney to one side of her.

She felt it was her job to oversee this sort of thing.

The best man and maid of honor are currently looking at each other adoringly, seemingly ignoring everything that's going on around them.

The best man (Carson) made up with Rodney some odd months ago.

April (Yeah, you guessed it, Maid Of Honor) has been positively glowing since she got together with Carson. After the obligatory rebound relationship he had with Brown (through which I coached Jamie on how to avoid throttling the woman during girl's poker night) he came to his senses and asked _her_ out.

They've been blissfully unaware of anything but each other ever since.

Rodney looks like he's turning purple.

_Kinda clashes with his bow tie._

He's looked that way since I entered the room. I think he's hyperventilating.

Thirty feet has never looked so far away.

Would rather run down the aisle to him than putter along this way.

I can't wait to be married to this man. I just can't-

Oh. He _is_ hyperventilating.

That's so cute...

Trying not to grin.

Carson's got the paper bag out.

Crisis averted.

Am really trying to avoid dragging Sheppard down the aisle behind me in a mad dash to get to my groom.

_When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to begin as soon as possible._

Where's that from? Oh. When Harry Met Sally. That's right.

Always had a thing for Billy Crystal in that movie. Not sure why.

_Still not recognizing that pattern, are we?_

Too busy being ecstatic to argue with inner Rodney.

Haven't ever been this happy. Not even when I get to blow stuff up legally.

Although that _is_ a lot of fun.

Finally at the 'altar.' Sheppard kisses me on the cheek-

Oh. Rodney's turning purple again. Don't think it's hyperventilation this time though.

Catch his eye. Smile.

Don't really even hear anything that Weir's saying. Too busy looking into Rodney's eyes.

She's asking him to say something. What is it?

"I do."

Reply without thinking.

"So do I."

Oops.

Warm chuckles spill out over the small crowd. Not feeling the least bit embarrassed like I usually would.

I hear the words 'Husband and Wife' and my heart soars.

Kiss my husband.

_Husband. Husband. Husband._

Reluctantly let him go and we're introduced as Dr. Rodney and Mrs. Laura McKay.

Laura McKay. It's music to my ears.

Cheering from the crowd. Am suddenly all giddy and stupid feeling.

Reception is a blur. Lots of congratulations all around. Talk with Jamie April a little bit. Try to keep grin hidden from her.

I have it on _very_ good authority that a certain chief medical officer is going to ask her a _very_ special question tonight.

It's time for a toast, to the bride and groom.

Am grinning like a total idiot while clutching Rodney's hand. Never, ever, ever been this happy.

Carson's said something sweet, Weir's said something maternal, and Sheppard's said something completely smart assed. Time to raise my glass in-

Oops.

Have spilled champagne on white wedding dress.

Oh well. Old habits die hard.

* * *

_Final Notes: This story was a series of firsts for me: first time writing Stargate fic, first time writing from the POV of a canon character, first time writing a kiss and first attempt at romance/fluff. It was finished in a matter of three days and immediately launched a companion fic, called "And Neither Am I" told from Rodney's perspective. Stay tuned for that one; it's next on the revise/repost list and will be updated daily just as this story was. Without "I'm Not!" I wouldn't have wound up being sucked into the SGA fandom, and wouldn't have met some of my very, very best friends. Among many other reasons, it's incredibly dear to me for that. Thank you for welcoming me as warmly as you did, guys. I lurve you._

_As is my hallmark, there were numerous pop culture references drawn from numerous sources in this story. They were:_ _Star Trek, Ghostbusters, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Army of Darkness, Spaceballs, Back to the Future and When Harry Met Sally. If you didn't spot them the first time around, maybe you should go back and try!_

_And now, from my original A/N, a sentiment that still holds true: _For all of you who reviewed, THANK YOU! You made me very, very happy. I can't tell you how happy. I mean, really, not even if I broke out the thesaurus could I possibly come up with enough synonyms to explain. I've spent the past three days grinning like a total goof because of your encouragement.


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